Dating and Red Flags

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Online dating is a reflection of  the real word. While liars, cheaters and impostors certainly ply their craft on the Web, you'll also find them in nightclubs, among the members of dating services, at cocktail parties and occasionally sitting across from you at the breakfast table. Regardless of where, or how, you meet someone, dating is always a gamble. A little caution will reduce your risk in these matters of the heart.

Be careful who you trust and take your time getting to know someone

In a perfect world we all want to believe that whoever we talk to is an honest and decent person.  But in today's real and virtual and worlds, you must guard against trusting the untrustworthy and giving away your love under circumstances that could come back to haunt you. Exercise caution and proceed slowly. What do you really know about this person? How can you be sure? Any suitor must earn your trust gradually, through consistently honorable, forthright behavior. Don't give it away for the asking -- and you will be asked. As an added precaution, make sure you set up a secondary email account, to be used just for this relationship, which you can shut down should things seem not right.

Your instincts are right 99% of the time. Trust yourself. Go with your instincts, even when they can't be logically explained. When something feels wrong, it generally is. When someone appears untrustworthy, they usually are. If you want to substantiate an intuitive hunch, hire a service to check on your suitor's background (criminal records, home ownership, bankruptcy, divorce, etc.). These services can be found on the Web or in your Yellow Pages under Investigators. While background information may reassure you about someone's history, it provides no guarantees about future behavior. Ask yourself why you are dating someone you feel the need to investigate.  Ask yourself: Is she who she says she is? Is he/she honest? A murderer? A rapist? A gold digger?

I have a friend who met someone on line 7 years ago who was an executive with a Fortune 1000 company.   He would call her everyday, even from other cities when he traveled.   That was part of the charm and the con.    He told her he was divorced and engaged to marry someone else that fell through a few years before.   Within two weeks she found out the he didn't just have two children but a third that was a problem teenager.  Upon further investigation (her instincts were right on) at the county courthouse, she found out he had married and divorced the woman he claimed to be engaged to at one time but never married. Once she started asking he questions about this he stopped calling.....good riddance I say!  There are pathological liars everywhere.   DON'T believe everything you hear.

Watch for Red Flags and Odd behavior Exhibited by Your Date 

You are a smart cookie.....you can spot the unscrupulous and deceitful jerks. They betray themselves with inconsistency and unexplainable behavior. You should be concerned if your date does any of the following without providing an acceptable explanation:

• Frequently disappears and becomes unreachable by phone or email

• Provides inconsistent information about age, interests, appearance, marital status, profession, employment, and so on

• Refuses to speak to you on the phone after establishing ongoing, online intimacy

• Refuses to give you a home number and only calls you from work.  (They could be married, have a live in lover, have a significant other and are looking for their next conquest before ending that relationship).

• Doesn't provide direct answers to direct questions

• Appears in person to be significantly different from his or her online persona

• Never introduces you to friends, professional associates or family members
  
  Be responsible and trustworthy yourself  Some say that the lines between honesty, exaggeration and deception have blurred, especially in print personals and online dating. Is it a crime to represent yourself as a few years younger, especially when your friends frequently comment that you don't look your age? Has thinning hair become a euphemism for bald? If we want to hear the truth, we must start by telling the truth, even when it isn't easy or advantageous. And we must conduct ourselves and our romances in a responsible manner. Don't fall in love at the click of a mouse. Don't become prematurely intimate with someone, even if that intimacy only occurs online. Live by standards of honesty and decency. Let the buck stop with you.

Older Men Dating Younger Women

Ten years younger is OK (provided you have some sort of personality and are not a teenager), but we are wary of you-if you marry us, you might leave when we get older for a younger woman who can have babies. If you look more than ten years older than we do, we may not find you attractive, especially if we have managed to stay looking younger than our age. If we can mate with a male who is our age-we will do it.    A significant age difference can bring problems from the start of the relationship that never end.   Women are more aware of the problems as they hit their 30's and 40's and see the health problems striking male family members in their 50's and 60's.  And a woman experiencing this in her own family will think twice before looking at dating or marry men with potential medical issues. 

Usually men looking for a younger woman, look for women ten years younger than they are, and women look for men five years younger to five years older. If you are ten years older than we are and don't look it, that's all that matters. No, you don't have to lie about your age.   Women live longer and healthier lives at older ages than men. We are living in the sandwich generation, and now that women are exposed to seeing their mother and grandmother taking care of their ill spouse, we think about having to take care of someone older than us...which can stop many romances over 10 years age difference after a few dates. On the other hand, if you have other bargaining points, money, status, height, a vocabulary, the ability to dance, we may be willing to date you despite how old you are.     The reality.......singles date within 3-5 years of their age.   You see very few singles dating someone more than 5 years older/younger.  Unless you are a celebrity or very rich willing to date a gold digger......stick to singles closer to your age.

This is not to say that if you have a disability or a health problem you won't be desirable, it is just one of many factors that someone looks at.  Remember, your date is constantly "interviewing" or qualifying you......just some of the list of strong points a date looks for are: 1. financial stability/low or no debt, 2. physically fit, 3. good conversationalist/aware of what is going on in the world around him/her  4. strong/healthy, 5. treat others with kindness and love, 6. goal oriented/stable career with growth, etc.

More Red Flags as you get past the First Date:

Chronic Lateness. For clarity, "chronic" here means "three dates in a row." If your date arrives more than ten minutes late each time, don't wait for his (or her) fourth arrival. Your date may have great excuses, and one or two may even be sound (whether work related or traffic problems). But three in a row is a pattern, and what the pattern says is: I don't want to get into this. So neither do you. Dump them and move on. You want someone who respects you and your time.

Rudeness and Impatience with Service Help: Waiters and waitresses, taxi drivers, housekeepers, etc. If your date doesn't treat them with kindness and respect, they won't treat you well either.

Scary Divorce or Relationship Breakup Stories. Does your date tell you the entire messy story with all the dirty details by the second date. The question is: Are you listening? Does he or she hold a grudge and have an ex that is the villain in all of the stories? There are two sides....do they own up to their part of the break up?

Admits to Cheating on an Ex Once a cheat, always a cheat.   Can you ever trust someone who cheated on a spouse or ex boyfriend or girlfriend?  You will always wonder if they will cheat on you.   If their heart was broken, they will have broken trust when it comes to you.

Deep Attachment Pets Pet owners that talk to their cats or dogs in baby talk, allow their pets on the couch or bed (just unclean and disgusting), talk to their dogs in front of you like a family member have attachment issues. The pet will always come first......Run.

Short Relationship Histories Anyone that is over 35 that has never had a relationship over 3 months has commitment issues and most likely won't be able to commit to you.

Evil Children. Children with behavior and anger issues, don't mind the parent you are dating or show outright hatred towards you. Head for the door.

Money Matters. If a man suggests splitting the tab on a first date, the woman should pay-then bolt. I don't say this is fair, especially if, for instance, the woman is in management and the man is in a lower end job. But it's the way it is, and any man who tries to worm out of his society-given role as tab-picker-upper on the first (or second or third) date for the sake of saving a few bucks is a creep to be ditched.

Dirty Clothing, Underwear and Socks. Clothing must be clean. Dirty clothing and underwear is the hallmark of a secret slob, and every secret slob has many worse habits you don't even want to think about-but will all too soon get to know if you don't leave now.

Odd or Gross Eating Habits Ketchup On Eggs. Ordering odd dishes every time you are out at a restaurant.

Destructive Habits Does the guy/gal drink too much, chain smoke, or use drugs? "Normally self-destructive people do not limit their damaging behavior to themselves

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