Divorce Recovery

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Whether you should refrain from dating before your divorce is final is both a strategic and moral question. The answer depends on how your state views fault in divorce, on how long you and your spouse have been separated, on what your lawyer thinks about dating during divorce, and finally on how you feel about dating while you're still married. Most singles look at separated folks as "still married." If you have been married for more than 5 years you should take some time to be divorced and on your own before you jump back into the dating scene.

Many women look at separated and recently divorced men as the "walking wounded." So it is a good idea to get into a divorce recovery program at a local church or synagogue, get involved in activities outside of your children where you meet other new friends and make a new life.

Some links to divorce recovery help:

Divorce Info is here to help you survive your divorce with some money in your pocket and your dignity intact.

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Uh-oh, your former love is dating again already? Hereís how to cope when the news leaves you reeling By Rachel Greenwald

If the whole breakup or divorce process wasnít painful enough, now youíve got to absorb the news that your ex is dating up a storm- or even getting remarried. Whether you love, despise or are just friends with your ex, seeing him or her with someone else hurts, especially if your breakup was fairly recent. But youíre strong enough to handle it hereís how:

Let yourself vent. Get it all out: the anger, the frustration, and perhaps even some rebel behavior. Give yourself an hour or so a week (but no more you donít want to wallow)
So your exís reaction to your split was to jump right into someone elseís armsÖ


Lean on your support network. Make sure you call upon your close friends now to stick by your side. Friends with whom you can be irrational, sob or curse up a storm, and simply call to have some funówell, they are just essential at this time. Donít be shy about letting them know you really need their support.

Focus on what you can control. Your exís new relationships are something you canít control. And as we all know in life, itís useless to obsess about things over which we have no control. You can only control your own relationships, and itís entirely up to you whether you choose to find new ones now or wait. Re-align your focus along these lines.

Limit the newsflashes. Decide whether or not you want mutual friends to report on sightings or news about your exís dates. If third-party ex alerts only upset you, tell everyone that youíd rather not hear it.

Donít go there. Avoid places you know your ex frequents. Who needs those miserable, awkward moments when you bump into him or her on a date? That visual image of your ex on someone elseís arm will only fuel your sorrow or fury, so stay off the beaten path for awhile.

Stick to your own dating pace. Your exís reaction to your split was to jump right into someone elseís arms, but maybe thatís not your style. Tell everyone that youíd rather not hear newsflashes about your ex.

Everyone has a different way of reacting after a splitóand certainly a different timetable for the recovery process. One client of mine hunkered down alone for two years, focusing on her young children and friends, starting therapy, and throwing herself into her work as a writer. Another client started dating right away after his wife left him for another man. Dating quickly made him feel uplifted by having someone in his corner, even if it wasnít the future Mrs. Right, just someone to play with and to kiss. No matter what your ex is up to or what your friends say, donít let yourself be rushed into dating again if youíre not ready. Listen to your own instincts and do what feels right to you.

Most importantly, thereís one thing you should never forget: It is not a race to move on after a split. Rather, itís a marathon, and even though itís tiring and painful at times, it is also exhilarating. Here, the measure of who win is not who crosses the finish line first, but who sustains long-term happiness. Your ex may have a head start, but you, my friend, will win this marathonóand itís OK if itís not at a record-setting pace.

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What are the best ways to meet singles in your city?   Go to as many singles events as you can. Variety is the key.  Don't focus on any one type of group.   First: Meet young single professionals at fundraisers, singles charity and civic organizations. Second: Join sports leagues, singles hiking, biking, outdoors, or adventures clubs.  Third: Join a church or religious group for Christian, Catholic, or Jewish singles. Also check out singles cruises and  travel.   Newly divorced or single parent? Get help at a singles support or divorce recovery group. 

What about online dating? Check out dating advice on Singlesonthego.com to learn how to place personal ads to meet single men and women online.  Find great dating advice for online personals and meeting singles by using various dating services, dating agencies, matchmakers, introductions services. Check out the singles scene in your area to find a new relationship today!  Check out the list of online dating services above categorized by general, foreign/ethnic, religious, alternative, senior and single parents.

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